Deixe-me contar lhe um segredo

Deixe me lhe contar um segredo. Gosto de me sentir ser superior aos demais.
Sei que não sou nada superior. Sei que não passo de mais um pedaço de carne que por sorte ou seja lá no que você acreditar,  tem vida e passa a vagar por essa terra, procurando um rumo ou alguma explicação para algo que provavelmente não há.
Sou mero mortal que com o tempo apodrece e passa, como todas as outras coisas ao meu redor. Sou nada, ainda que acredite ser tudo. Sou vivo e hei de morrer, como tudo e todos a minha volta, mas acreditar ser único, por mais que hajam bilhões, trilhões e quadrilhoes e infinitas estrelas nesse espaço infinito, nessa atmosfera infinita, nesse mundo desconhecido a nós meros humanos, te traz uma sensação de mais valia, uma sensação de que as coisas tem um sentido e que irão ocorrer de acordo com algum destino.  Destino escrito não por mim, não segundo a minha vontade, mas a vontade de algo, alguém maior.
Destino que pelo que sei, sempre tem um dedo do meu querer. Destino que uso como desculpa para o que quero e para o que não quero.
Esse ser maior, que rege tudo a minha volta,  e que eu não entendo,  me serve de motivo e razão ao meu próprio ser. Uso da fé ao meu serviço, e assim condeno quem não o acredita. Pois assim volto a me sentir maior,  superior e melhor do que os demais. Me sinto parte de um plano. Me sinto conectado com algum fato maior de nossas existências. Me sinto futuro, e me sentir futuro e eterno me faz feliz e satisfeito. Mesmo sabendo que sou presente e talvez um pouco passado.

Não me venhas dizer que a culpa é minha, por não saberes sobre a minha vida

Que tu não me venhas culpar

Que tu não me venhas dizer

Que por teu filho ser

Tu deverias saber

Seus costumes e tradições,

Já mortos.

Te impedem de entender, conhecer.

E já não consegues pensar

Sem julgar.

E precisas olhar

Para acreditar.

Pois teu deus disse que é vergonha.

Ao teu redor, te olham com indagação

Mera besteira, bobagem e ilusão.

Não sabes ainda que enquanto tua cabeça esquenta

Importando-se com tanta lei, regra e letra

A vida passa, se apressa

E você aos poucos, me perde nessa.

Minha vida vai se tornando mistério

Já não tens mais o que dizer sobre quem eu fui ou era

Sobre onde estou ou estive

Sobre o que fiz

Sobre o que conheci

Sobre o que aprendi

Sobre o que vivi.

Eu já não existo

O que tu conheces e pensas saber

É apenas sombra de como querias me ver

Apenas memória

Daquilo que um dia já fui

Daquilo que quiseste que eu foste.

Já não sou mais.

Depois do sexo o sono volta

Ele acordava todos as madrugadas
Pelas cinco horas das manhãs
Eu me levantava e algumas vezes não o tinha ao meu lado na cama.
Isso me chateava, me deixava sem entender
Entender o porquê do homem acordar a essas horas e ler.

Até que um dia ele veio até mim, sem sono e reclamou de não conseguir dormir.
Eu estava quente
Ele ficou quente
Nos beijávamos lembrando do nosso amor
Ele me sorria com seus grandes olhos
Nos chegamos e nos tocamos
Provei nos lábios acordados o gosto do teu sexo
Ele acordou e nossos corpos se encontraram
Éramos apenas um.

Entre o instinto e o raciocínio
Ele regozijou e sorriu, me abraçou e me fez abraçá-lo
E em seguida dormiu.

Trecho do livro "The Old Man and The Sea"

It was dark now as it become dark quicly after the sun sets in September. He lay against the worm wood of the bow and rested all he could. The first stars were out. He dind't not know the name of Rigel but he saw it and knew soon they would all be out and he would have all his distant friends.
"The fish is my friend too," he said aloud. "I have never seen or heard of cuch a fish. But you must kill him. I'm glad we do not have to try to kill the stars."
Imagine if each day a man mist try to kill the moon, he thought. The moon runs away. But imagine if a man each day should have to try to kill the sun? We were born so lucky; he thought.


Ernest Hemingway

Alto poema

Gosto porque não sinto medo
Quando bebo ou fumo o medo se distancia
O medo se esconde
O medo some

Pensar que nossas preocupações desaparecem
Ainda assim se preocupando com o homem na esquina
Que com o tempo padece
De fome
De pobreza
De embriaguez
Some/ Morre/ Desfalece.

Você para e sente a natureza se movendo ao seu redor
Você sente as coisas mais próximas de ti
Pode entender o quanto as coisas ao seu redor são belas
São grandes, modestas
Não se pode copiá-las
Não se pode imitá-las
Não se pode
Não.

Trecho do livro Ovelha Negra

"Não perguntaram por que eu a abracei, não olharam, controversos, ou questionaram minha pieguice repentina;  riram, apenas, de um modo que ri, também,  o nariz coçando, com uma emoção pouco vista e sentida em vida, não motivada pelo deus maior,  mas pelo humano menor,  em barreiras,  ordens e tabus."

Trecho do livro Ovelha Negra

"O diferente era tratado como normal.  Quem sabe o normal fosse o diferente: não porque o mundo quer dar fim aos bons costumes, senhor, mas porque os bons costumes são o fim do mundo. "

Latin drama

Well, I can't sleep.

It's so bad when you really want to sleep but for some divine reason you just can't.
Tonight it's being one of this days to me.
I put my head at the pillow, and move to the two sides, trying desperately fall asleep.
Maybe my mind it's so full, and I can't remove all thoughts I'm having, to relax and sleep.
Suddenly, I thought if I write it here I can sleep again.
I've been thinking about a lot of things, and I'll try to write and reflect more about each one.

First, I have a boyfriend.
"Ah c'mon Rafael,  stop to be so silly,  it's twenty century, hello!"
Yeah it's twenty century,  but we still have a lot of pressure and prejudice about be gay and have a gay life. My parents don't support, but they know he and they're really cool with he and me. Of course they don't see me kissing or hugging he, never.

"And?"
So we're about one year together,  and this makes me really happy. I never had a relationship so longer like that, and we're so closer and so comfortable with ourselves, reason the why I always love and enjoy more and more it.

"So Rafael, what your problem?"
To start, I don't like to use the word "problem" it's kind of negative for me. We could change to situation.

"Okay. So Rafael, what's your situation?"
My situation it's, he's older than me, for me it's not a problem, but he thinks a lot about it,  and about what's the people says.
He's beautiful and sexy, every place we go,  have always someone looking to he and desiring him. And he knows,  don't accept, and give space to those guys talk with he,  what's makes me hate he so much.
And more, he always have some contact on his phone, Facebook, WhatsApp,  who's love or want to fuck with him, but he keeps a normal conversation, don't seeing any problem (situation) on it. Some of, he still invite to do something and send text messages saying he's missing those guys. (He always came with arguments like, "this guy it's really cool/ or I really miss he, so smart)
What's makes me feel so stupid and nothing to he and to me.
I prefer to think he don't perceive how it's makes me upset, than think he knows it but don't care.

"Okay, you're such jealous. What now?"
I'm really far from he now. When I'm around he, we spend a lot of time together,  what makes me really happy,  but I perceive always he have to invite, talk or plan something with some of his "friends" cause he miss some, or he's worried with. It makes me really nothing again, not enough and upset.
And again I prefer to think, he miss they like a friend, and his "friends" are so fragile, he's like a daddy to they,  he wants to take care of, a really good person. And he have cool "friends", they didn't have anything (like a relationship) before me, so will be okay be around they and we'll have fun.

"What's more Rafael?"
He's new here in my country, so he don't know a lot of about the language and the culture.
Now it's carnaval, and he went to some blocos and enjoyed the time and weather.

"Good to he, no?"
Yes, good to he, but not to me. I'm not against the idea about to go to party,  to can know and enjoy this cultural time here. What's I'm against its the fact he's always alone when he went, he's not with a lot of money to being having party and more party,  he's not so healthy to be drinking,  spending money buying drinks, but not spending money to buy something health or saving to something special or for he in the future, or maybe for us. And I prefer to think, he don't know what's the intention of the people who's went to this kind of event, I prefer to think he don't perceive the guys around always fleeting and he's innocent about it all. And let's party,  in the end life is party. He's in Brazil.

"Hnm,  I don't know... but anyway, when you're together,  you spend this time together, and I dare you two don't talk by WhatsApp too"
Yes we talk.
I have to tell you,  I'm not so crazy about those apps, social networks and blablabla. I'm more to talk alive, or by phone when we're not closer.

"So do it"
I actually do it,  I've called to he,  and we talk by phone. And it's good.
This happened a lot of before, when he had to go to NY and we talk by phone,  or Skype,  cause was the only way. But sometimes looks like he's so tired, busy, and don't have this time to talk. I know he's not so busy, and when we're together he spend a big part of the time on his phone reading something like The Guardian, or answering his friends in another country, email from his job, and things like that.
And one more time, I prefer to think he's really busy, he couldn't stop for me, to make me the first person in his life, and talk, don't caring about what's happening in China, USA, England, etc, look to his side and see me there.
But know about what's happening in the world it's always important and can have a big impact on our life.

"And what you want to do?"
To most incredible looks like, I'm going to live with he.
I think this is the why I can't sleep those days.
Cause I have a lot of situations to resolve, and all this situations with he hurt me so much. I've been holding on, always talking about, trying to found out a solution, trying to ignore it all. Preferring believe the things will change, it's something silly, small, thing of my mind, my relationship don't have to be like the others, we love so much each other, I want to take care of he, I only want to see he smiling and happy, he don't know what's going here, he can't understand the intention of the people,  he was busy,  his classes and work its most important than me - so don't bother he, he needs friends here - anyone can live alone, I have to be more open/modern and ignore all those things, I have to relax more, I want to be the better boyfriend possible to he... and here its here I ask myself: Where I'm? Why he's hurting me? What I have?  When he's planning or taking care of the things for us?
Am I losing my love for myself?  Am I losing the idea about what's right for me? What's take care of someone? Is it my love good? I don't want to hurt he, but it's okay to hurt myself.